Tired

Perhaps it's daylight savings or that I forgot to drink water and eat properly for a week or more, but I'm knackered at the moment. I will write, I swear!! I WILL!!

Ok, I'll try to write.

Tonight my MS eye hurts, which it sometimes does if I've been stressed or anxious - but it usually goes away if I have some down time.

I was meant to have an MRI yesterday for a retinal vein occlusion, but it got entirely bollocksed up - with hospital staff trying to sedate my claustrophobia while I tried to convince them that they'd misread my notes got both the procedure and the referring department entirely incorrect. In the end I was so tense they couldn't sedate me enough to stop me from freaking out every time they tried to load me into the chamber. So I have to have a GA apparently. Goodness knows when, I've already waited about 10 months for the sedation appointment.

Also, randomly, the previous owner of the house I'm renting decided to come over on Saturday night, drunk, and demand possession of the property and when I refused to give her access to the house, smashed my pots and plants until the police arrived.

Perhaps there is a good reason why I'm tired.

Thinking... thinking... thinking...

I've been thinking (I know, I know - too obvious). I've been thinking that it may seem like I'm more depressed recently. For the last two weeks I have not:

• done the dishes (seriously, my kitchen is now a biohazard uncontainment area)
• washed my hair (ok, that's only 10 days, TEN DAYS)
• pretty much any other chores

I've interrogated my mind brain several times and the feedback is "no, it's not worsening depression". I'm absolutely certain my grey matter is working on the project of getting myself better and it has absolutely no time for anything else. I've asked and asked, thought and thought, and the same answer keeps coming back. I've been reading and undertaking exercises relating to Transactional Analysis so it would be logical to expect I'm doing a lot of thinking. So far it's not huge epiphany thinking - it's something working hard in the background.

It's like my brain's got my psyche steam engine back into tentative working order and every time I ask my brain to organise the dishes or wash my hair it turns up agitated, sweaty, filthy and abrupt - insisting it must go back to shovelling coal or my psyche will fail again.

After rereading that last paragraph, perhaps it's not depression... but brain worms.

RSVP

Dear Blogger

I'm am cordially declining attendance of tonight's daily blog as I'm too incompetent to come up with something decent to add.

Yours retardedly, Webwhore

Anatomy - FAIL

I was reading Twitter recently and ended up on Sarah Silverman's account and then clicked on a woman she follows, only to read a twitter entry that incorrectly referenced "vagina" when the woman obviously meant "vulva". I find it disappointing when women are unable to label their own anatomy correctly - they're probably the ones that end up dating someone who also doesn't know how to use that anatomy correctly (and then think they have the right to complain).

Then, today, Sarah Silverman (on her own show) used the term "vagina" when she clearly meant "vulva".

It's always a pity when you think someone is funny and smart and then they turn out to be a complete stupidhead and an embarrassment to all women.

For anybody who does not know, the vulva is the external area of a the female genitalia. The VAGINA is where the baby comes out of (PG).

Sensationalising -101

I have just watched a documentary about AJ Bannister. I have very mixed feelings about the decision to have even made the documentary.

While I believe everyone deserves a fair trial and I do not condone injustices - I feel martyring this person's life given the history of his previous crimes and the one that eventually resulted in his death sentence to be doing an injustice to those that are put to death when they haven't committed any crime apart, but were merely in the wrong place at the wrong time.

What could be the good sense in muddying the waters of the hard fight to free innocent people from a life behind bars, or worse, death.

Brain - FAIL

It could be the painkillers I've taken, but my brain is empty tonight and three attempts to blog have been thwarted by my malfunctioning grey matter. So I think I'll just go straight to bed and watch Supernatural with Hermes.

Oh, I have moved onto the other side of the bed to see if it sorts out the pelvis ache I have from sleeping slightly tilted on the middle slat. I think it's working so far, but downsides are:

1. The cats are causing even more problems than usual sorting out sleeping arrangements.
2. Bedside light is unavailable so I can't eyeball them when they're punching each other up about the above (or if Ares is staring at me in the night - creepy special skill).

Seriously, this entry is pants.

Not many, if any

I have very little to say this evening. We have a low snow warning in place (not that it WILL snow here) and it's blimming cold - we don't bother with insulation, central heating, carpet or double glazing at my house. Both cats are in the bed and the bird needs to shut up and go to sleep.

I'm not going to promise to add to this post tomorrow, as it won't happen.

BUT, I can try and think of something better for tomorrow night.

Note to self, check Ares fur before he demands to get in the bed with you - saturated cat twice in one evening is only proving he's smarter than you are.

Transactional Analysis Book 2

So, I feel like I entered enough trauma last night to set me up for days. I'm strapped to think of anything to write about tonight. I've just started the preface to my second reading homework and I'm quite excited that there are exercises throughout to test my fuckedupdedness (it's a word mofos, google proves it). I figure until I address all the stupid broken bits, only then can I piece my shit back together again.

Perhaps I should have titled this entry as "the four and one 15 letter entry".

It took a bunch of food, a lot of chocolate and a nap in the middle of the afternoon to get to smiling today. But, I got there.

Zero to 10

Today I, yet again, tried to work out why I go from relaxed to rage/despair/variety of other relatively unhealthy extremes in such a short period of time. I actually seem to miss out 1, 2, 3, 4, you get the point - and just hit TEN. I can quite often ignore unpleasant behaviour from another person if they appear to be being "nice" and smiling at me/not raising their voice/say they have my best interests at heart/etc. This behaviour of mine concerns me immensely. I understand what's created it, but I don't yet understand how to fix it or how to find the missing single digits that will help me bring health, wellness and balance to my life.

I'm pretty sure those missing numbers are the key.

So, because I like to reinforce what's going horribly wrong with me, I immediately found myself in a situation this evening where I didn't even notice someone being quite nasty to me until a significant time later whilst driving home. You may think this is unrelated to missing numbers, but it is not - my theory (science) is that if I could find, say, 3 (even fractions would be wildly received at this stage) then I would have had a light bulb go off in my head (or another part of my body) that alerted me to the fact that this person was being really pretty rude, thereby allowing me to handle the situation more honestly and realistically. If I were more attuned to what was actually going on during the discussion then it would be less of a reality shock later on and would probably help eliminate the shock of hitting TEN, seemingly out of the blue.

These are just my thoughts, but I think I'm on to something here. I may have to reread this tomorrow as I couldn't summon the stamina to proof read.

Homework, Part 2

So.

I did my homework. Part of it was to list things I found soothing and some goals I have. Frankly, I feel that my brain short-changed me. My soothing list included items mostly related to caring for other things and pets. My goals sounds like everything I feel anxiety about every day; dishes, putting clothes away, vacuuming. What a have.

If anything, this homework proved just how much more intensive therapy I require. Perhaps that was the idea. It's ok if it was - because that'll all get resolved in time. In the interim however, I feel ripped off. Why couldn't I have said "a weekend at a mind and body retreat"? Or, "an evening in a spa pool under a clear starry sky"? Or, "to get a cleaner in"?

I cannot believe, that when given an opportunity, I'm even cheating myself out of the good stuff. I have the brain of stupidity!!!! ><

Homework

I have some homework this week. I have to create a bit of a scope regarding how to self care (which is not to be interpreted in the special private time sense), and I'm putting off completing this task - as self care isn't really something I'm familiar with and wasn't a key skill encouraged when I was a kid.

And then, if I don't complete it, I'll have only just worked out what I need to write immediately before the homework is due - and then I won't have enough time to digest it.

Thus, eliminating self care.

It's brilliant!!!!