Tired

Perhaps it's daylight savings or that I forgot to drink water and eat properly for a week or more, but I'm knackered at the moment. I will write, I swear!! I WILL!!

Ok, I'll try to write.

Tonight my MS eye hurts, which it sometimes does if I've been stressed or anxious - but it usually goes away if I have some down time.

I was meant to have an MRI yesterday for a retinal vein occlusion, but it got entirely bollocksed up - with hospital staff trying to sedate my claustrophobia while I tried to convince them that they'd misread my notes got both the procedure and the referring department entirely incorrect. In the end I was so tense they couldn't sedate me enough to stop me from freaking out every time they tried to load me into the chamber. So I have to have a GA apparently. Goodness knows when, I've already waited about 10 months for the sedation appointment.

Also, randomly, the previous owner of the house I'm renting decided to come over on Saturday night, drunk, and demand possession of the property and when I refused to give her access to the house, smashed my pots and plants until the police arrived.

Perhaps there is a good reason why I'm tired.

Thinking... thinking... thinking...

I've been thinking (I know, I know - too obvious). I've been thinking that it may seem like I'm more depressed recently. For the last two weeks I have not:

• done the dishes (seriously, my kitchen is now a biohazard uncontainment area)
• washed my hair (ok, that's only 10 days, TEN DAYS)
• pretty much any other chores

I've interrogated my mind brain several times and the feedback is "no, it's not worsening depression". I'm absolutely certain my grey matter is working on the project of getting myself better and it has absolutely no time for anything else. I've asked and asked, thought and thought, and the same answer keeps coming back. I've been reading and undertaking exercises relating to Transactional Analysis so it would be logical to expect I'm doing a lot of thinking. So far it's not huge epiphany thinking - it's something working hard in the background.

It's like my brain's got my psyche steam engine back into tentative working order and every time I ask my brain to organise the dishes or wash my hair it turns up agitated, sweaty, filthy and abrupt - insisting it must go back to shovelling coal or my psyche will fail again.

After rereading that last paragraph, perhaps it's not depression... but brain worms.